Marriage Seminar #2: Caring Love – Part 1 – 1 Corinthians 7:32-34

Ministering to each other’s core emotional needs

The key words in this section are ‘carefuless’ and ‘careth’. Both come from the same root word ‘merimnaō’ meaning “to take thought, be anxious, troubled, distracted with care”. In fact, the same word is translated as “take thought” in verses such as Matt. 6:25, 27, 28, 31 & 34. It is the word used in Philippians 4:6, which reads, “Be careful for nothing…”

The phrase “the things of the world” does not refer to sinful things but practical and material things. Paul is highlighting the reality of married life. A certain amount of time and attention must be given to pleasing one’s spouse.

There is a reason why the traditional wedding vows contain the words, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’til death us do part.”

Husbands and wives must make time for each other if they want a happy marriage. This involves dying to self!

Illustration: The Love Bank – each must make deposits, not just withdrawals.

This lesson is adapted from the research and writings of marriage counsellor Willard Harley (refer to questionnaire).

• The purpose of this exercise is not for you to go away endlessly and selfishly focused on your own needs. It is an opportunity for you to understand your spouse better so you can meet their needs the best you can with God’s help. Communicating humbly and openly on these matters is beneficial if done in the right spirit.
• After using this survey with thousands of clients, the author noticed a clear pattern emerging in the top 5 needs that wives and husbands tended to select. Note: In any statistical analysis, there are always exceptions, so if the following stereotype doesn’t exactly fit you, that’s fine. It can also depend on your stage of life. Hopefully, the exercise will help start a conversation in your marriage about your core emotional needs.

In this session (Part 1), we will consider His and Her Top 2 needs.

Her Needs #1: Affection

The first thing she can’t do without is affection!

Definition: “A craving to receive nonsexual expressions of care such as words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses and courtesies.”

1. Husbands often think, “But I show her affection in the bedroom when I make love with her”, and fail to realise that a woman does not interpret things as he does. She needs to feel loved both in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes our problem is that we try to communicate love to our spouse based on how we want to receive love. The result can be misunderstanding and frustration.
2. Author Dr Gary Chapman, in his book “The Five Love Languages”, suggests that most people tend to communicate or receive love in the following ways:
   1. Words of Affirmation – Using words to build up the other person, such as compliments, verbal appreciation, or notes of encouragement.
   2. Quality Time – Giving someone undivided attention, engaging in meaningful conversations, or shared activities without distractions.
   3. Physical Touch – Expressing love through physical contact, including holding hands, kissing, or hugging.
   4. Acts of Service – Doing things for your spouse to make their life easier or to show care, such as chores or tasks.
   5. Giving and Receiving gifts – Thoughtful, tangible gestures that show you were thinking of them, rather than the monetary value.
   6. Identify the primary and secondary ways you like to communicate and receive love.
3. Husbands, part of loving our wives involves dwelling with them according to knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7). Give some time and attention to figuring out what is meaningful to your wife.
   1. Verbalise your love for her (words) – do you tell your wife you love her? Do you praise her for her qualities? Do you tell her you think she is beautiful? Words are powerful things – they can either build up or tear down a marriage.
      1. Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21). Your wife will wither and die under a harsh tongue. She will grow and flourish under a kind, loving tongue.
      2. The example of the Proverbs 31 husband is instructive. Pro 31:28 “Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.”
   2. Demonstrate your love for her (actions). Words are cheap things if not backed up by actions. If you say your wife is more precious to you than anything else in the world (apart from the Lord), then let it be revealed in your actions!
      1. Buy her something nice on occasion (e.g., a new dress). Be giving and generous as you are able! Some husbands are happy to spend big on themselves but stingy with their wives. Illustration: A man who limited his wife to a $50 budget for their daughter’s birthday, but around the same time, purchased himself an expensive hunting rifle worth several thousand dollars.
      2. Serve her in the home. Help with the children and the housework as able. Help lift her load!
      3. Be affectionate with her. Fill her love tank up. Kiss her goodbye in the morning before you go to work. Give her a hug and a kiss when you arrive home. Touch her lovingly both in and out of the marriage bed. If you only show her affection in bed, she will tend to feel like you are just being affectionate with her because you want her body, even if that is not your heart or the message you are trying to convey.
      4. Spend time with her! Lovers love to be with each other. Make time for a date night from time to time. Take her out for a meal, talk, and listen. Pause the to-do list and sit down to talk together.
      5. Most importantly, pray together! There is no deeper bond than the realm of the spirit. If you spend more time with your mates than your wife, you have rocks in your head. If you spend more time with your dog than your wife, words fail me. Your best friend is your wife, not your dog!

Her Needs #2: Intimate Conversation

The second thing she can’t do without is intimate conversation!

Definition: “A craving to share feelings, personal experiences, topics of personal interest, opinions and plans with the spouse.”

Biblical Illustration: Ruth’s response to Boaz’s words (Ruth 2:11 -13). Ruth appreciated Boaz’s kind and comforting words to her.

“And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Then she said, Let me find favour in thy sight, my lord; for that thou hast comforted me, and for that thou hast spoken friendly unto thine handmaid, though I be not like unto one of thine handmaidens.”

1. A woman has a great need to connect with her husband on a mental, emotional and relational level.
2. She craves emotional intimacy, he craves physical intimacy. Both must learn to serve the other selflessly!
   1. Her: Emotional intimacy is primary, physical intimacy secondary.
   2. Him: Physical intimacy is primary, emotional secondary.
3. Men, she wants to know what you are thinking and feeling, and she wants you to be interested in what she is thinking and feeling.
4. Illustration: Romance movies aimed at women usually feature many scenes of the couple deep in conversation.
5. Men often pay attention to this area during courtship. He is happy to spend hours on the phone! He texts her during his lunch break. When they are together, he talks heart to heart with her with plenty of eye contact. Why? Because he instinctively does this to win her heart and because he is genuinely interested in her and loves her. All too often, over time, a husband becomes complacent in this area.
6. Mark it down! Talking, sharing and communicating heart to heart are as important to a woman as lovemaking is to a man.
7. Husbands, take time to talk with your wives! You need to enter her world and let her enter yours (e.g., sharing how your days went). Learn to open your heart to your wife, and let her open hers to you. Try not to go straight into problem-solving mode every time she gets emotional with you about something she is dealing with. Be a good listener! Give her eye contact. Give her undivided attention! Don’t be selfish and hide in a corner when you get home from work. She’s been waiting all day to see you and talk with you!

His Needs #1: Sexual Fulfilment

The first thing he can’t do without is sexual fulfilment!

Definition: “A craving to engage in an enjoyable sexual experience.” Biblical Illustration: The Shulamite Bride (Song 2:7; 3:5)

“I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.” (2:7)

“I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.” (3:5)

1. The following Illustrations may help to highlight how men and women can think very differently in this area:
   1. A husband and wife have a satisfying time together in bed. Afterwards, her thought bubble might go something like this, “That will keep him happy for a few days”. His thought bubble probably is “that was awesome. We should do that again tomorrow night!”
   2. A man is like a gas stove; he fires up in seconds. A woman is more like a crockpot. She takes a while to warm up, but once she does, she runs hot.
   3. A man is like a rushing river; a woman is like the tides of the ocean (sometimes the tide is in and sometimes it is out).
   4. A man is like a jet plane, whereas a woman is more like a propeller plane. She takes longer to get in the air, but can go high once she is up there!
   5. A man is like the ocean waves, strong and predictable; a woman is like the great barrier reef, beautiful but requires the right conditions to flourish.
2. Fun fact: A man has about 25 times the amount of testosterone as a woman. The wife accepting his God-given sex drive is vital in a marriage, just as it is vital for him to accept and embrace her female traits.
3. Explain the vicious cycle and downward spiral that can take place in a marriage when he does not meet her emotional needs, and she does not meet his physical needs.
4. Sadly, for some homes, the anthem is not “O happy home where two in heart united,” but “O helish home where two in heart divided.” For some, it is “the fight is on O Christian soldier, and face to face in stern array, with anger gleaming, and voices yelling, the man and wife do fight today.” For others, it is not “O perfect love all human thoughts transcending,” but “O bitter hearts all godly love extinguishing.”
5. Ladies, don’t buy into the misunderstanding that your husband just wants your body. A loving man wants you, and this is how he expresses his deepest affections for you. He craves deep connection (physical and emotional). That’s why in the Bible, lovemaking is often described as the husband “knowing” his wife. In the one-flesh union, a couple know each other on a very deep and intimate level, and it forms powerful bonds in a marriage.
   1. Gen. 4:1 “And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.” Note that this is the first record of a couple engaging in sexual activity in the Bible, and it is described in terms of “knowing”. Engaging with your husband in this area is not going to alienate you from him. It will bring you closer to him.
   2. Gen. 4:25 “And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.”
   3. 1 Sam. 1:19 “And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the LORD, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the LORD remembered her.”
   4. Matt. 1:25 “And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.”
6. Ladies, don’t believe the lie “well, he can just live without it”. Both husband and wife need to be careful not to make judgments on the other based on their own sexuality. Would you be happy for him to ask you to live without your core needs as a woman?
7. Ladies, he needs you to be engaged and to enjoy the process. He needs a lover, not a martyr in bed. E.g., “I’ll do this for you, love, because I know God’s Word commands me to”. A good man will be patient and modify his expectations at various seasons of life when your sex drive is low (e.g., during breastfeeding), but it will mean a lot if he knows you are putting your heart into it.
8. In marriage, most wives reach a point where lovemaking moves from being spontaneous to more responsive. In other words, due to the inevitable realities and pressures of life, a couple’s love life must become more intentional rather than just spontaneous. To achieve this regularly, you need to discuss it, plan for it, and work on it together as a couple. Of course, space should always be left for spontaneous rendezvous in a healthy marriage. Still, overall, you must be intentional about intimacy—just as a healthy person is intentional about exercise.
9. Illustration to help ladies: You may not feel like exercising, but once you decide to start and get into it, you often end up enjoying it. The same is often true with engaging romantically with your husband.
10. For men, desire almost always precedes engagement, but for women, it usually follows engagement. Therefore, the wife needs to decide to engage romantically with her husband, even if her desire isn’t strong at first. The question should not be ‘do I feel like it’?’ but “am I willing to start?’
11. Summary: A husband needs to touch his wife’s heart in order to touch her body, and a wife needs to touch her husband’s body in order to touch his heart. The way to a man’s heart is not first through His stomach. It’s through romantic passion! He needs a warm wife and warm food in that order.

His Needs #2: Recreational Companionship

The second thing he needs is recreation companionship.

Definition: “A craving to engage in recreational activities with at least one other person.”

Scriptures:

Malachi 2:14 – “…yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.”

Titus 2:4 “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children.” The word for ‘love’ here comes from the Greek word ‘phileo’, which is the love of friendship, companionship and affection. It is translated “kiss” in Mt. 26:48; Mk. 14:44; and Lk. 22:47.

1. Illustration: During courtship, a woman often takes a keen interest in her prospective husband’s work, hobbies and interests. She is interested in the kind of work he does and seeks to enter in. She might not be remotely interested in fishing, but if he loves fishing, she will go along with him and be interested in everything from stinky bait to rods and tackle. Why? Because she wants to win his heart, loves everything about him and wants to be a part of His world.
2. Men love doing relaxing things with their wives. Find fun and enjoyable things to do together.
3. David Sorenson gives the following illustration of the kind of disconnect that can exist in a marriage in His Book “Have a Heavenly Marriage”Bob and Jill were married. To a degree, they loved each other, but their marriage was almost like living in a boarding house. He went his way, and she went hers. For years, Bob had an interest in restoring old cars. There was always an old clunker parked in the garage or behind the house. Each Saturday, Bob watched a program on public TV about car restoration. He periodically went to car shows where restored cars were displayed and bought and sold. He subscribed to periodicals on restoring cars. As time and money allowed, he spent much energy out in the garage, gradually restoring an old 52 Chevy and a 54 Plymouth. He was proud of his work.But Jill couldn’t care less about cars. To her, a car was a car. Once you’d seen one, you’d seen them all. A car was just a vehicle to get her from Point A to Point B. She had no interest in Bob’s old cars. She wouldn’t go to the car shows with him. She wouldn’t help him on his restorations, even when they involved sewing fabric for the upholstery. When he went out for his little jaunts in the summer in his latest restored car, she would not go. Why waste the time? Rather, her interest was Siamese cats. She had two, and she fussed over them continually. She read everything she could about Siamese. From time to time, she went to the cat shows in the region. She had little cat figurines around the house. The highlights of her year were the several cat shows in which she could show her favourite Siamese cat. So Bob went his way and messed with his cars, and Jill went her way and did her cat things. Though they did not fight much, Bob and Jill’s marriage was cool and thin and certainly not close. Their children had left home. Probably the only thing keeping them together was the financial advantages of being married. Though their marriage was not hell on earth, it certainly was not heaven on earth.Rather than trying to figure out who is wrong in marriages with low friendship levels, let’s go to the Scripture and find a solution to the problem. The Apostle Paul wrote, “That they may teach the young women…to love their husbands.” (Tit. 2:4). The word used here is ‘philandros’. The word consists of the prefix ‘phil’, which is the root word of ‘phileo’, and ‘andros’, which is the basic root word for husband. If we follow the development of the idea as outlined above, this verse teaches that the wife ought to be a friend to her husband. It is the wife who is to share the interests of her husband, and not the other way around.

   Curiously, there is no corresponding verse in the Bible that teaches the husband to be a friend of the wife. That is not to say a husband ought to not be a friend to the wife, but the imperative of the Scripture is for the wife to take the initiative in sharing her husband’s interests.

4. Note: This does not mean that a woman cannot have any of her own pastimes and interests, but it does mean that as her husband’s helpmeet, she seeks to love him by taking an active interest in his world (i.e., his work, calling, loves and interests).
5. Remember! Companions/friends talk together, do things together, pray together, walk together and have fun together. “The family that plays together stays together!” (R. Hamilton)
6. Illustration: Chereece & Seth’s maintenance job
7. Illustration: Lydia and Will out hunting

Conclusion

Give time and attention to each other’s needs!

Exercise: Write a love note to your spouse telling them how much you appreciate how they satisfy one of your core needs (doesn’t have to be one of the above).

References

1. D Sorenson, Have a Heavenly Marriage: Sword of the Lord Publishers, pp. 58-60:

Sermon 2 in Marriage Seminar 2026

Sermon Audio Id: 312261134583315