Marriage Seminar #3: Caring Love – Part 2 – 1 Corinthians 7:32-34

Ministering to each other’s core emotional needs

Caring for one another is a practical outworking of Calvary Love. In our last lesson, we looked at her top 2 and His top 2 needs – she has a real need for affection and intimate conversation, and he has a real need for sexual fulfilment and recreational companionship. We will now briefly go through the rest of the list.

Reminder: The Love Bank – each must make deposits, not just withdrawals.

Her Needs #1: Affection

Definition: “A craving to receive nonsexual expressions of care such as words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses and courtesies.”

Her Needs #2: Intimate Conversation

Definition: “A craving to share feelings, personal experiences, topics of personal interest, opinions and plans with the spouse.”

His Needs #1: Sexual Fulfilment

Definition: “A craving to engage in an enjoyable sexual experience.”

His Needs #2: Recreational Companionship

Definition: “A craving to engage in recreational activities with at least one other person.”

Her Needs #3: Honesty and Openness

Definition: “A craving to receive truthful and frank information from someone about positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, and plans for the future; not leaving a false impression.”

1. This principle is important for both parties. A wife needs to be able to trust her husband, and a husband needs to be able to trust his wife. Prov. 31:11 “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”
2. Trust in a marriage is undermined when a spouse withholds information or, worse still, provides misleading information (e.g., lies, manipulation, and deception). Trust is built on truthfulness.
3. Total transparency is one of the keys to a successful marriage. In his book “His Needs, Her Needs”, marriage counsellor Willard Harley outlines what he calls “The Policy of Radical Honesty”, which reads as follows: “Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know – your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activities, and future plans.”¹
4. He then breaks the policy down into four parts:
   1. Emotional honesty – reveal your feelings to your spouse.
   2. Historical honesty – reveal information about your past, including the things that are really hard to tell (e.g., spiritual failures)
   3. Current honesty – reveal information about your daily life. Communicate about your schedule for the week, etc…
   4. Future honesty – reveal your thoughts, plans and ideas for the future.
5. The mute model does not work in marriage. Your spouse is not a mind reader! Open your mouth and spit it out. Tell your spouse what you are thinking and feeling.

His Needs #3: Physical Attractiveness

Definition: “A craving to observe someone whose physical appearance is aesthetically and/or sexually pleasing to you.”

1. Spiritual Beauty is the Priority (Prov. 31:30; 1 Pet. 3:1-6, 1 Tim. 2:9- 10)
2. Physical attraction has its Place
   1. God is the creator of physical beauty, and he created men to respond powerfully to feminine beauty. He made women to be creatures of fairness and beauty.
   2. Read through the Song of Solomon, which is the Holy Spirit’s inspired manual for marital passion, and you will find that both the bridegroom and the bride verbalise in passionate terms how they find each other visually pleasing.
      1. Song 1:9-10 – he likens her to the grandeur of Pharaoh’s horses and comments on the beauty of her cheeks and neck.
      2. Song 4:1-15 – he passionately describes her beauty, commenting on her eyes, her hair, her teeth, her lips, her temples, her neck, and her breasts.
      3. Song 5:10-16 – her description of the Groom. She describes his complexion (white and ruddy), his head, hair, eyes, cheeks, lips, hands, belly, legs, countenance and mouth.
      4. Song 6:4-13 – he praises her beauty, comparing it to the beauty of Jerusalem and as awe-inspiring as an army with banners. He mentions her eyes, hair, teeth, and temples.
      5. Song 7:1-9 – he describes her feet, thighs, navel, belly, breasts, neck, eyes, head, hair and stature.
   3. He found her amazingly beautiful!
      1. Sng 1:15 “Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes.”
      2. Sng 2:10 “My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.”
      3. Song 2:13 “…Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.”
      4. Song 4:1 “Behold thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks…”
      5. Song 4:7 “Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.”
      6. Song 4:10 “How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse…”
      7. Song 6:10 “Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners?”
      8. Song 7:6 “How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!”
   4. She found him handsome! Song 1:16 “Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.”
   5. Note: An interesting pattern can be observed in the Song of Solomon. The groom comments far more frequently on the beauty of the bride in the Song than the other way around.² That is because men respond to physical beauty much more powerfully than women do. Physical attractiveness, while not nothing to a woman, is not nearly as big a deal to her as it is to him.
   6. A happy, healthy, and holy marriage is one in which both the husband and wife are lovers, with a fiery passion for each other. Be head over heels for each other! Be crazy about each other! Scripturally, your spouse is the only one in the world you can love on that intimate level, so keep the fires of passion burning hot in your marriage.
3. Practical areas of consideration:
   1. Consider your weight and physical fitness. No matter what diet you do, the common denominator is that you have to eat less and eat the right things! Wives, remember that you are the only woman your husband can look at with sensual desire. Husbands, remember you are the only man your wife can be intimate with. Husbands, if your wife would like you to lose a few kilos, then work at it!
   2. Consider your grooming (hair and clothing).
      1. Do your hair the way your husband likes it. Ladies love it up, men tend to like it down! Your hair is a big part of your appeal to a man. Don’t cut it short! Your hair is your glory! (1 Cor. 11:15)
      2. Wear something pretty on your date nights together.
   3. Your personal hygiene.
      1. Cleanliness is next to godliness! The Old Testament law places a strong emphasis on physical hygiene. God wanted His people to be both morally and physically clean. There’s nothing spiritual about being stinky, greasy, and dirty. Modesty doesn’t mean you have to be ugly, unkempt or dress like old Mother Hubbard with a dress from a dusty cupboard!
      2. It’s not wrong to dress nicely and smell nice for your spouse! Naomi’s advice to Ruth is instructive. Ruth 3:3 “Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor: but make not thyself known unto the man, until he shall have done eating and drinking.”
      3. Smell nice for your spouse. In Song 4:10, 11, the Bridgroom comments on his bride’s sweet-smelling perfume (Vs. 10) and the smell of her clothes (Vs. 11).
      4. Illustration: Newly married farmer with hygiene problems

Her Needs #4: Financial Support

Definition: A craving to receive help with financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family.

1. Question for audience: “If just before your marriage, your spouse had announced that you should not expect him or her to earn an income, would you have tied the knot? Raise your hand if you would have gone through with the wedding.”
2. Despite feminism and the modern era, where a majority of wives work outside the home, deep down, God has made a woman to desire a husband who is a good provider.
3. Money does not make a marriage. There are plenty of miserable marriages out there that are flush with funds. But financial strain is one of the most common causes of marriage trouble and divorce. Sorenson comments, “As most marriage counsellors know, family finances are the number one cause for marriage trouble and divorce. I think about the many marriage counselling sessions I have had. A majority have in some way involved money problems.”³
4. Husbands, you are responsible before God to provide for your family (1 Tim. 5:8, 2 Thess. 3:10).
   1. Don’t be lazy and slack on the one extreme. Work hard and pay the bills!
   2. Don’t be a workaholic on the other extreme, to the point where your wife and children barely see you!

His Needs #4: Domestic Support

Definition: “A craving to receive help with household tasks and care of the children (if any are at home).”

Biblical Illustration: The Proverbs 31 woman. Look at what her hands do for your husband and children! She feeds them, cares for them and clothes them.

1. Ladies, if you need your husband to be a good provider, he needs you to be a good homemaker.
2. This does not mean he can’t help you with household tasks, but try not to lean too heavily on him unless you are in a season of life where it is beyond your control (e.g., serious sickness or trial). A loving husband will be willing to help lift the load when he gets home from work. But your husband can’t be both the provider and the housekeeper, and if you are lazy in this area, it will cause him a lot of stress. Your role is to “guide the house” (1 Tim. 5:14) and to be a “keeper at home” (Tit. 2:5), so this is your primary responsibility. Try as far as practically possible to make the home a pleasant place for him to land at the end of a busy day at work. Make him long to get home to you and the children, not dread it!
3. If you have children, give them chores and daily duties. It won’t kill them! In fact, it will help them develop good character and prepare for life’s realities.

Her Needs #5: Family Commitment

She needs you to be a good father to your children.

Definition: “A craving to receive help with the moral and educational development of your children within the family unit.”

Biblical Examples: Abraham (Gen. 18:19) and Joshua (Josh. 24:15)

1. Wives have a special bond with their children because they bear and breastfeed them. It brings joy to a woman’s heart to see her husband being a good father to those children. It gives her a sense of security.
2. Eph 6:4 “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
   1. The word ‘nurture’ is a comprehensive term and means “tutorage, that is, education or training; by implication disciplinary correction: – chastening, chastisement, instruction.” (Strong) Put another way, it refers to “the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals, and employs for this purpose now commands and admonitions, now reproof and punishment). It also includes the training and care of the body. So, we are to be concerned about the development of the whole person – spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.”
      1. The same Greek word (paideia) is translated ‘instruction’ (2. Tim. 3:16) and ‘chastening’ and ‘chastisement’ (Heb. 12:5, 7, 8 & 11).
      2. So, we could summarise by saying there are two main concepts in the word: Instruction and Correction.
   2. The word ‘admonition’ means “to call attention to, that is, (by implication) mild rebuke or warning” (Strong). It is made up of ‘nous’ (mind) and ‘tithemi’ (to put/place). Hence, it has the “sense of exerting influence on the mind.” (Hoehner) It means “to put in mind”, so it is the “act of reminding one of his faults or duties” (Hodge).
   3. Husbands, your wife is going to play a key role in training the children, but you must take the lead and set the godly framework in the home for that training.

His Needs # 5: Admiration

He needs her to be proud of him.

Definition: “A craving to be shown respect, value, and appreciation.”

1. The differences in the commands in Scripture between Husband and Wife are instructive and reveal the wisdom of our Creator. No one understands men and women better than the One who designed and made them! Gen. 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”
2. The husband is commanded to exercise a selfless, cherishing love towards His wife (Eph. 5:25, 29) and the wife is commanded to ‘reverence’ her husband (Eph. 5:33). The wife needs loving attention from her husband. The husband needs his wife’s respect and admiration.
3. Challenge to wives: Do you ever express admiration and appreciation to your husband for his labours and leadership? Do you build him up or tear him down? There is a place for loving, constructive feedback with your husband, but make sure you are not all critique and no encouragement! Your husband really wants to be your hero.
4. Take heed to the warnings of Proverbs!
   1. Prov. 19:13 “A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.”
   2. Prov. 27:15 “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.”
   3. Prov. 21:9 “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”

Concluding Exercise

Write a love note to your spouse, highlighting a need you know they have that you will strive to meet better.

References

1. W Harley, His Needs, Her Needs, Revell Publishing, p. 105.
2. He describes her beauty at length three times, her only once. He calls her ‘fair’ (beautiful) 8 times, her only once.
3. Sorenson, p. 88.

Sermon 3 in Marriage Seminar 2026

Sermon Audio Id: 312261138446971